“Tulips are Blooming”  Wakingspirit.com ©

Lunch time, at her dad’s favourite restaurant, Kathy looked over the menu even though she always order the same dish. If she had her way they’d meet for lunch at one of several better diners in town – same prices, yummier food. Kathy could never figure him out, he was a creature of routine, yet he constantly surprised and even shocked her by branching out into unknown territory - usually when it was most inconvenient for everyone else. Kathy remembered finding all her storage boxes tossed curb side for garbage when her dad decided to turn the garage into a wood working studio – out of the blue he thought he’d like to sculpt duck decoys. 

“Larry’s Diner” for lunch was a routine he never strayed from. He revelled in the attention showered on him by Larry the owner, the staff and customers as he paraded into the place – a local hero. There was a flipside to his personality as he regularly needed a fix of the big city where he’d walk around the streets and visit blues and jazz bars basking in his anonymity. He wasn’t a complex man as this may suggest - all his idiosyncrasies and quarks were natural and seamless, he juggled them with ease and in perfect harmony. Kathy began reading e-mails on her phone – it allowed her to avoid contact with the regulars sitting at the other tables. She knew everyone but would rather not get trapped into talking about how hot it was for the month of May or Mr. Parker’s gull bladder operation.

Her dad was late as usual. 

Maggie tapped Kathy on the shoulder and asked if she wanted a coffee while waiting for her dad - same old routine - sure bring a coffee over. Kathy could never figure out how they could serve such amazing coffee and fall flat on the food. Maggie returned with a coffee, it seemed impossible that she could hold cups and plates with her long manicured painted designer add-on nails. This was a small town, the older men would reminisce and tell stories about how hot Maggie was as cheerleader back in the day – doing incredible back flips, and then they’d secretly chuckle. Now, she was middle-aged, desperately clinging to her fading beauty and a shapely body in decline. She took some measure of pride that she still encouraged extra tips with her exposed cleavage and waitress uniform hiked up above the knees. Maggie asked Kathy if she knew who Doug was seeing now. Kathy thought her dad was not seeing anyone at this time. She detested Maggie for even bringing it up. A long time ago Maggie shacked up with her dad for under a year, ever since she wore it proudly like a badge of merit. It was kind of sad and pathetic, but everything about Maggie was hinged on her past glories – she had been the high school President and the town’s Harvest Queen, later this was all overshadowed by a legacy of bad decisions like getting knocked up by a dark mysterious stranger who vanished into thin air and opportunities lost like blowing her college scholarship. Even if Kathy knew her dad was seeing someone, she wouldn’t tell Maggie. She used to like Maggie, but she was blacklisted after Kathy found out about the affair with her dad. She sipped her coffee, it was dark and delicious.

Doug, Kathy’s dad, was either blessed or curse depending on your view of life with a mischievous charm that women found thrilling and sexually alluring. As an only child Kathy was the focus of both her mom and dad. Kathy had no chance, as a child she too was charmed by her dad, she worshiped him, and if she had to pick a favourite it would easily be her dad, at any point in time. She often found her mom crying in the bedroom. Her dad was a firefighter and regularly spent entire weeks or weekends at the Fire Hall. Kathy was sad too. Kathy thought her mom was simply missing Dad, she wished he spent more time at home like other dads. Her mom would tell her, that’s the nature of Dad’s profession. She’d comb her mom’s hair, trying to calm her down. Later on as a young teenager she realized her mom’s tears were for a different reason. Kathy’s refused to dig too deep - she found it easier to blame her mom than her dad for any problems in the family. Dad was always her hero, and her admiration for him went sky high when he became the Chief of the Fire Department, a very important and honourable man in town. 

Her dad and mom broke up when Kathy was 18. She found out later that her dad and mom had really been apart for almost 15 years – even though they lived together under one roof. Over that time he had numerous one night stands and love affairs. Her mom looked the other way and never said a word about it. Her dad hung in until Kathy finished high school - to be there for his daughter as she grew up was an act of valour as he saw it, making sporadic efforts to show up for Kathy’s piano recitals, school graduations and so on. Doug’s mistresses knew otherwise, he needed his neglected wife and cherished daughter more than they needed him – they were his only lifeline to a resemblance of a normal life he craved but could never settle into - none of them were bold enough to tell him so. Kathy told her high school friend Emily about her dad’s promiscuity. Emily said what do expect your dad’s pretty hot for his age. This completely irked Kathy, she wrote Emily off as friend. Emily was a slut anyhow, Kathy wrote in her diary. Kathy did not want to know anything about her dad’s sorted past, but it was impossible not to hear the rumours. Once Doug left the family house the powder cake of his estranged affairs blasted open, it was a small town - most people in the know had been discrete while he was living with the family. As well, the townsfolk were either too respectful or fearful where it came to gossiping about Doug. He grew up in that town and was always popular, either as the captain of winning regional hockey teams or being the head rebel on his Harley Davidson kicking off rousing drunken nights of vandalism – he walked the fence between good and bad. He was 17 when he single handily won the hockey finals in four straight games and then urged the team on to paint obscenities on the town's water tower. His friends said he was either going to grow up and lead the Hell Angels or become the town's mayor. He had a gracious smile and a devilish glint in his eyes that foretold of boundless kindness if you were good to him and utter cold cruelness if you crossed him. No one wanted to cross Doug, but now he had moved out of the house, the need for silence seem irrelevant and stories of his sorted past and indiscretions started falling on ears everywhere.

Kathy was humiliated as the stories unfolded about her dad. How could he have slept with so many women? How could he have an affair with Mrs. Smith, their next door neighbour? Kathy thought Mrs. Smith was a village idiot upon first meeting her as a child – Dad hooking up with her, it was disgusting. Some people thought the affair was why Mr. Smith, a wealthy dentist, committed suicide and their son became a derelict drug addict in the big city. And still Kathy couldn’t find it in herself to hate or even despise her dad. She had every right to turn on him - he was dishonest, unfaithful and totally selfish. With all the talk flying about town, Kathy’s mom would try to console her, but this always failed and ended up badly. She told her daughter that for some people love is like a bank account – love is a onetime investment, they deposit a fixed amount of love into the account and see how far it takes them. Dad has only a limited amount of love to deposit and he quickly drains the account. Other people have a bottomless account to draw from. Your dad burns the candle at both ends.

Kathy thought, Mom could have done more to stay attractive and could have been a better wife. Instead Mom let herself go – she got fat and wore curlers in her hair to the grocery store. She was always wearing drab and unappealing clothing. She had these gray slacks that were too loose and made her legs look gigantic – Kathy thought she looked like an elephant and to make things worse the pants had a rip in the seam just above her ass, yet she constantly wore them in public. Kathy was 13 and embarrassed to be seen with her. One day Kathy sneaked into the laundry room, found the slacks, took them to the woods and held a secret ceremony – a bonfire where she burnt them along with her mom’s old sweatshirt and a few terrible photos of her mom stolen from the family album. Her mom spent days looking for the photos and clothing – it was an unsolved mystery. Kathy snickered and thought you should be ashamed of yourself.

Even before she knew her dad’s secret she harboured a cynical distaste for her mom’s lack of femininity and sexual prowess. At 13 she just couldn’t pinpoint or define why she despised her mom, it was bitter sweet and conflicting because she did love her dearly, but she found her so despicable – Kathy didn’t know it was rooted in an obsessive love for her dad and a vague sense that her mom was not giving him what he deserved and needed – Mom was to blame, and that was that.

Sharon, Kathy’s mom, was hypnotized by Doug’s charm when they met - his spell over her was strong and persistent. She never had any interest in another man, not even when Doug left her in mind, heart and spirit shorlty into the marriage, let alone many years later when he walked out of the house for good. Sharon knew that she was considered quite the catch in her day - all the young men in town were knocking down her door to get a date. Everyone wanted her to compete in the town’s Harvest Queen contest, but she thought it was cheesy and not a very cool thing to do – if she had entered she would have won for sure. Doug was infatuated with her, the more she resisted him, the more he had to have her. He even had a fist fight with one her suitors just to get him to back down. She was always humble and never bragged about this to Kathy.

Sharon knew she had put on weight and was not aging well after their marriage. She was thin and beautiful when Doug’s attention started to dwindle. She became depressed and felt hopeless as Doug began to put distance between them and would not get aroused when she dressed up in sexy lingerie to spice up their love life. After she gave birth to Kathy it got worse. When Doug was home he’d skip any attempt to have a normal relationship with her and rush off to see the baby. How could a mother demand he stop paying attention to his daughter and give some to her. It didn’t take Sharon long to see that most times his dash to play or be with Kathy was in reality to avoid her- their only child was a convenient decoy to shun his wife. She began putting on weight and dressing down shortly after she realized there was no getting him back – he was a ghost living in their family home. In the years that followed it turned out that Sharon was the only woman with whom Doug had a child, this gave her a special belief about her and Doug. She had a strange sort of satisfaction and confidence over all his other women - Doug has never had any greater love than her she concluded. Whether Doug knew Sharon felt this way or not, he seemed to perpetuate her belief. Many years later when a young man claimed Doug was his father - Sharon heard this through the grapevine and felt shattered - Doug said it was total crap, the young man left town shortly after and was never heard from again. Sharon’s convictions remained intact.

Kathy took her last sip of coffee and wondered where her dad was, he always came late, but this was later than usual. She looked out the window across the street to the Fire Hall. She saw Jim walking by, dressed in a suit and wearing a hardhat. He did well after graduating from engineering at college in the big city. He was working for the town and was the Public Works Superintendent’s right hand man. He was on track to being the town’s youngest Superintendent. After Jim came back from college Kathy went out with him for almost a year. She didn’t know him well in high school as he was a few years older. She met Jim through Dan. At that time she was hanging out with Dan almost every day, he was her best friend.  After years of being friends Dan took a difficult step – over a dinner he told Kathy he loved her and wanted to be with her. Kathy told him she would never date or start anything with a friend because every lover that comes into her life she ends up pushing out of her life. She had a theory about soul mates. She told Dan that soul mates come into your life to enlighten and destroy you, then take their leave – friends were not only better they were safer. Kathy read a book on reincarnation that said soul mates were someone very close to you in your past life who would have been your mortal enemy. There would be an intense attraction, but it was dark and cursed never to be. Your soul mate, in a past life could have been the prosecutor at the time of the Inquisition damning you as a witch and taking you to burn at the stake. She couldn't agree more - soul mates torment each other. Her door was closed to soul mates. And she did not want to jeopardize her few and precious male friendships or chance crossing the line into disaster - entering the doomed realm of soul mates. Dan felt like a moron, but still remained friends despite an endlessly burning desire for her. After pondering Kathy’s theory, Dan thought that maybe she was his soul mate.

Jim had not been a friend and the door was open for them to start something up – and they did. Kathy was not kidding about pushing lovers out of her life - her romantic relationships had a very short shelf life and between high school and now many young men ended up curb side. Jim was unique. This relationship actually went deeper than sex and hanging out over good times – unlike the others, Jim really wanted to share thoughts about life and feelings. It was about 8 months into their 10 month relationship when Jim asked her what she thought was her best character trait. She told him it was her ability to remember, she said, this allows me to study school books and choose the right multiple choice answers on tests, it reminds me who to trust and not trust, which paths were the best paths to walk or avoid and so on. You learn by trial and error, remembering your lessons is critical, this way you don’t get burnt twice, she said. Jim told her that a lack of memory was his best trait. Kathy thought this was stupid. He explained, my brain, free of my conscious meddling, erases certain memories and this allows me to start over, it allows me to recreate without copying my previous creations such as designing a building, it allows me to be original without being overly influenced by others, where people in my life are concerned it frees me from holding grudges and permits new beginnings, then he added the best thing above all is it allows me to be me. She looked at him as if he were a visitor from another planet – this alien just doesn’t understand Humankind. At the time she thought he wouldn’t get far in life with that kind of logic. Sharing his thoughts in this way fuelled the destined downward spiral of their relationship - it ended two months later. Funny, how this memory came back to her as he passed by the diner that day – for the first time she appreciated where he was coming from and the meaning of forgetting and letting go of some things in life.

Doug finally showed up at the diner – half an hour late. Kathy said, nice of you to show up. I know I should have texted you, but I’m still old school, he said.  A friend will be joining us, he said. The way he said it she knew he was seeing someone again, who was it this time. He winked and asked Maggie what were the specials of the day, as if he wasn’t going to have his usual. She ran through the specials, I’ll go with the club house sandwich, he said. The chef already started making the club when he saw Doug enter – with lots of mayo on it. Kathy asked for a Greek salad. Doug said make that two. Kathy was facing the entrance and saw an old high school friend come in, it was Emily. They were 25 years old now and their teenage tiff had long been water under the bridge. Kathy and Emily had many a good time and party hanging out since then. Emily came up to the table and slide into the booth bench alongside Doug - she almost body checked him into the wall, they laughed and he kissed her passionately. Kathy was dumfounded, God damn it - this is his new girlfriend.  I hope my jaw didn’t hit the floor, she thought.  Emily told her the story of how their romance began – it was all so sweet and innocent how it happened, she laughed.  Kathy sat and listened while she was burning up with rage, it didn’t help that Emily kept calling her darling while she stroked Doug’s neck.  Kathy thought about it, should she grin and bear it or unleash her anger and slap the bitch. 

She excused herself and went to the restroom. She could hear someone crying in one of the stalls. The door was half open and she saw Maggie leaning against the wall, her cheap eyeliner was running down her cheeks, she looked miserable. Kathy wasn’t about to intervene, she was about to make a quick exit hoping Maggie did not see her. Kathy, please help me, cried out Maggie. Kathy was hooked. What’s wrong Maggie?  You’re dad’s a bastard, she blurted out. Kathy was not feeling very sympathetic, her dad had a short thing with Maggie some 10 years ago - it was hard to be compassionate toward someone with such unrealistic feelings and an unhealthy attitude. You don’t know what he does to women, she said. He came into my life and conquered me. I resisted, after all he was married. He won over my heart completely, it took time, but as soon as my heart was putty in his hands he tortured me by sleeping with other women. He was like a snake, it was just in his nature to act that way, there was no malice or contempt – he was just stone cold in his emotions. There were no apparent reasons for him to stray – we were happy - it drove me crazy. He’d come and go as he pleased…it was his infinite indifference that hurt the most. And how he so quickly reverted to putting himself first – I was pushed to the back burner like an unwanted item on the menu. I couldn’t read him, I didn’t even know if he got some perverse kick out of it. If he did at least I’d have an answer which was better than being left in the dark. I hate his callousness and smug way of coming back to me as he pleased and I couldn’t resist and when he walked back out the door I felt like a cheap whore. Today, I see him with Emily and it reminds me of all this. I feel washed up and useless. The worst thing is if he knocked on my door tonight I’d let him in - what the Hell is wrong with me - God please help me.  Maggie began sobbing out of control, she closed the stall door and Kathy seized her chance to get out of there.

Kathy joined them back at the table. The chef brought over their food.  Kathy went along with the whole charade. She managed to keep to small talk. Before leaving Emily went outside to have a smoke. At the table Kathy’s dad handed her a note sealed in an envelope and asked her to give it to Mom. On the street as they were leaving Emily said, that they got an apartment together…we’ll invite you over soon Kathy.  Sure, when Hell freezes over, thought Kathy.

That evening Kathy was walking over to her mom’s house for dinner.  Her dad’s voice was ringing in her head, don’t open the note it’s very private and meant only for your mom. She couldn’t resist. She stopped and opened up the note. It said, I want you to know that you are the only woman I’ve ever loved, I know you keep a torch burning for me, I know we can’t be together now in my old age, not after all I’ve done, but please keep the fire burning for me in your heart…I feel it and I need it…Love Forever, Doug.

As Kathy approached the house she saw her mom sitting on the front porch working over some flower boxes. Martin was helping her move some fresh earth out of a bag into the boxes. He was a widower. Last year he came from out of town and bought the house next door. Kathy always distrusted and was intolerable toward any of her mom’s male friends. She always scrutinized and compared them to her dad, and they never measured up. She didn’t know that her mom over all these years never contemplated an involvement with any of these friends. Kathy saw Martin was beaming as he talked to her mom. Over previous visits she could tell that Martin liked her mom, but Kathy had those unfounded misgivings spring up about him. The two of them were laughing and covered in dirt and had dark smudges all over their faces. He seemed full of zest and joy in her presence. And her mom looked so completely content and happy as they worked together planting the seeds, she was giggling and smiling in a way Kathy had not seen in a long time – absolutely brilliant and shinning…her mom was beautiful…so very beautiful. 

Kathy came up the driveway unnoticed. She reached the porch. Her mom shrieked with joy, quickly got off her knees and gave her a big long hug. Hey, honey, her mom said, Martin is going to join us for dinner if that’s alright with you.

I would love nothing more than a down home meal with family and good friends…come and join us Martin, Kathy said.

What’s that in your hand, her mom said - a letter - do you want me to get you a stamp. Kathy said, no thanks Mama it’s just a flyer someone gave me on the street, she crumpled it up and threw it in the garbage. 

Kathy looked out over the yard - why was she just seeing this now?

Hey…your tulips are blooming.